sad post ahead: talking abt love
Mar. 30th, 2024 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
isunshowerit struck me today that anyone who could have possibly loved me has already found their match, and i'm just left over.
so for context, if anyone is actually reading this post: i'm very easily fixated on love. i've had a steady stream of crushes since high school, not necessarily grounded in actual feelings (and almost never to do with sex, i don't really... do that). it's really more the idea of a romantic relationship and seeing someone that flips a switch in my brain, like, oh this might be someone i could have a future with potentially. i desperately want to have a family but i don't think i'll ever be able to find someone who will be able to tolerate both my mental health issues and whatever is going on with my gender (because woo boy). it's all very frustrating and i kind of wish i wasn't like this.
currently i'm trying to actively not have a crush on my very happily taken best guy friend and also banishing my ex-girlfriend (we broke up a year and a half ago and her ghost still follows me around) from living rent-free in my brain.
and it's just like..... okay. so, i have no idea what my gender is, right? i use one set of pronouns but don't much care if people use other ones and my presentation oscillates depending on who i'm around. i don't know if i'm trans or nonbinary or just cis with low self esteem. so that's one thing. it basically limits me to bisexuals, because most straight and gay people don't have the patience for a partner playing 3d chess with gender the way i am. i don't do casual sex, or sex at all really, this is partly medical and partly i don't have a sex drive. this rules out most online dating. i know plenty of really kind, lovely, sweet, personality-forward bisexual people. they are all taken. idk, i feel like maybe i blew my one chance on a relationship with my ex and now i'm never going to get it. i know that i shouldn't fixate so heavily on this and as soon as i start... loving myself, or whatever, or decouple myself from idealizing a relationship like that, or whatever, then someone will magically show up. it's just that i'm starting to reach a point in my life where many, if not all, of my friends are in serious relationships, many are engaged or married--hell, i've got one friend who's expecting a child this summer! and my friends who AREN'T in relationships like that actively don't want them. i know i'm still young but i can't help feeling like i've been left behind. all the people i could have possibly ended up with are beyond my reach and i'm just stuck and going to be alone forever.
at my last job, i had a coworker who was in her forties. we worked with kids. she was very, very sad and bitter that she hadn't been married and had never had kids of her own. i'm so afraid i'm going to turn out like her.
and if anyone DOES happen to be reading this... i'm fine. just. weird night tonight. because i'm developing a crush on a (cis-gay) (older) guy i've met once for like two hours but who is probably going to end up back in my life for work reasons. (sort of.) and it's just like why can't i ever have feelings for someone who's going to be attainable? and good for me? my ex liked me back for a bit and all but we were just so incompatible...
i digress. anyway. i'm fine. just needed to vent. this will reduce itself to background chatter by tomorrow because i have to work and it'll be busy.
it'll happen someday. right?
so for context, if anyone is actually reading this post: i'm very easily fixated on love. i've had a steady stream of crushes since high school, not necessarily grounded in actual feelings (and almost never to do with sex, i don't really... do that). it's really more the idea of a romantic relationship and seeing someone that flips a switch in my brain, like, oh this might be someone i could have a future with potentially. i desperately want to have a family but i don't think i'll ever be able to find someone who will be able to tolerate both my mental health issues and whatever is going on with my gender (because woo boy). it's all very frustrating and i kind of wish i wasn't like this.
currently i'm trying to actively not have a crush on my very happily taken best guy friend and also banishing my ex-girlfriend (we broke up a year and a half ago and her ghost still follows me around) from living rent-free in my brain.
and it's just like..... okay. so, i have no idea what my gender is, right? i use one set of pronouns but don't much care if people use other ones and my presentation oscillates depending on who i'm around. i don't know if i'm trans or nonbinary or just cis with low self esteem. so that's one thing. it basically limits me to bisexuals, because most straight and gay people don't have the patience for a partner playing 3d chess with gender the way i am. i don't do casual sex, or sex at all really, this is partly medical and partly i don't have a sex drive. this rules out most online dating. i know plenty of really kind, lovely, sweet, personality-forward bisexual people. they are all taken. idk, i feel like maybe i blew my one chance on a relationship with my ex and now i'm never going to get it. i know that i shouldn't fixate so heavily on this and as soon as i start... loving myself, or whatever, or decouple myself from idealizing a relationship like that, or whatever, then someone will magically show up. it's just that i'm starting to reach a point in my life where many, if not all, of my friends are in serious relationships, many are engaged or married--hell, i've got one friend who's expecting a child this summer! and my friends who AREN'T in relationships like that actively don't want them. i know i'm still young but i can't help feeling like i've been left behind. all the people i could have possibly ended up with are beyond my reach and i'm just stuck and going to be alone forever.
at my last job, i had a coworker who was in her forties. we worked with kids. she was very, very sad and bitter that she hadn't been married and had never had kids of her own. i'm so afraid i'm going to turn out like her.
and if anyone DOES happen to be reading this... i'm fine. just. weird night tonight. because i'm developing a crush on a (cis-gay) (older) guy i've met once for like two hours but who is probably going to end up back in my life for work reasons. (sort of.) and it's just like why can't i ever have feelings for someone who's going to be attainable? and good for me? my ex liked me back for a bit and all but we were just so incompatible...
i digress. anyway. i'm fine. just needed to vent. this will reduce itself to background chatter by tomorrow because i have to work and it'll be busy.
it'll happen someday. right?
